Man. If there’s one thing I struggle with time and time
again, it’s judgment.
I wish like heck I could be the type of person who tosses
aside people’s perceptions and opinions...or just punches people in the face.
It’s funny, in some situations, I’m great at this...not the punching part....the ignoring part.
Like that moron driving 25mph in the left-hand lane - I don't care what he thinks of me when I pass on the right and then aggressively cut back into the left lane (like a boss). I could care less what the crazies at the gym think when I'm busting my butt on the elliptical, jerking all over the place, making the whole machine lift off the ground and then slam back down, causing mini-quakes under my intervals. I don't even care what other shoppers think when I put my kid in time-out in the middle of the grocery store. Don't care, people. Judge away, can't faze
this.
It’s funny, in some situations, I’m great at this...not the punching part....the ignoring part.
Like that moron driving 25mph in the left-hand lane - I don't care what he thinks of me when I pass on the right and then aggressively cut back into the left lane (like a boss). I could care less what the crazies at the gym think when I'm busting my butt on the elliptical, jerking all over the place, making the whole machine lift off the ground and then slam back down, causing mini-quakes under my intervals. I don't even care what other shoppers think when I put my kid in time-out in the middle of the grocery store. Don't care, people. Judge away, can't faze
this.
But judge my struggles,
ignore my trials and tribulations, or treat my efforts like they are nothing,
are meager, are “less” than someone else’s, and I’ll lose it. It’s a
surefire way to cut me right to my core. Game, set, match – Jen’s been serial crushed
by some huge friggin’ guy.
The first time I can recall something like this happening to me, I’d just had a baby with a man I didn't really know, a man who was serving his first tour over in Iraq. Military spouses – you will relate to this story – but civilian chicks, you keep reading too. It ends well for all! I wasn't married to the soldier yet and therefore, stayed in my own apartment, my regular civilian life, surrounded by my civilian friends and family. A number of my girlfriends were in relationships at the time, although none had kids or were dating soldiers. I was kinda on my own in that regard.
I remember getting a call one night, a few months into the
deployment, from a good friend who’s significant other had to go away for a little
while. She was very upset about it, missing him terribly, and decided I was the
perfect person to call because she knew I would understand. Except I didn’t.
She lost me in the beginning of the conversation, back when she began complaining about her boyfriend being away for a few weeks. All I could think was, how. dare. you.
It was the first of many, many situations when someone assumed they understood what I was going through – judged my situation
completely – without having any idea of what was actually going on. And it
slapped me right in the face with stinging, bitter reality.
“How am I going to do
this,” I remember thinking. “How can
I possibly maintain relationships with people who will never truly understand
what I’m going through?”
Some would just say, don’t. Don’t even try. Too much work. Not worth it. Drop 'em.
That’s just not me. I believe relationships are work. The
better the relationship, the more work you’ll find trailing behind it. Yes, there
is a line in everyone’s sand, a place of no return, a moment when you realize
nothing, absolutely nothing, can make a relationship work and it’s time to say
goodbye…….but I've found my lines are a bit more flexible than my young, ignorant
self thought they were. Years of storms and crashing waves pushed my lines in
the sand much farther out than I ever imagined they would be.
So banishing people from my life is't really an option for me – more of a “last resort.”
But you know what that means. That means dealing with the judgment.
How, you might ask? Well I am by no means an expert. As I
explained earlier, people continue to shock me with their analysis of my life,
my choices, and my hardships. It hurts sometimes. I am not immune. I am also not judge-free. I am just as judgmental as
everyone else out there. I judge people all
the time. We all do. I think it’s an inherent human quality that we actually
need…a skill we’re supposed to use when making decisions….like hey, don’t
follow that weird-looking man into an alley…or hey, that person doesn't have
the same ideals and views as you….or wow, stripes and plaid really don’t go well together.
So before you read any further, please realize this is the Foolio’s
Guide to Dealing with Judgment. This is not a how-to on fixing your own
judgmental attitude (I've got nuthin on that topic). This is more of a how-to-avoid-the-hurt that results from getting judged...that's been put together by a sometimes irrational, completely emotional, passionately transparent chick named Jen. Frau Foolio, finding some grace.
All By Myself
The first (and sometimes hardest) step is to realize you are sometimes going to be alone. The moment you
go through a life-changing event others have yet to experience, you are
immediately separating yourself from the herd…whether you like it or not.
Whether you want to or not. Whether you try to deny it or not. I've said it before and I’ll say it
again – until you experience something firsthand, you can never truly
understand what it’s like.
No More Kid Gloves
Reevaluate your sensitivity. People don’t think..this is a widely known fact of life. It takes a
very special person to predict your reaction or
identify your hot spots and avoid them with total accuracy. These people are
rare. You’re much more likely to encounter those who don’t consider your
feelings when they make jokes or comments. Sensitivity cannot always be controlled,
but try. I've worked my way up from uber-crazy
sensitive to very sensitive. At
one point in time, I really did care what everyone, including strangers,
thought of me. Now, I find
myself focusing more on those I love and care about. The others are easier to
ignore. Kinda.
Rainbows Need Rain
Sometimes even the closest family and friends will
disappoint you. I have people in my life who refuse to validate some of the
hardest things I've ever gone through. They've made up their minds about me and
my hardships and there’s nothing I can do to change how they feel. Ever had
someone make a comment that makes you question whether or not they've ever
really listened to you? Yea. This is life. You cannot control people, their
actions, or their feelings…nor would you want to.
Didja hear me? This is the biggest point I’m going to make:
you don’t want to.
You don’t want to
change people’s judgments or control their actions, because there’s only one
way to really get them to understand. You know what it is, ya?
They've got to experience it.
Ignorance is Bliss
I would never in a million years wish my hardships on those who've judged me. These are people I care about…why would I want them to deal
with military deployments, or colicky babies, or infidelity? Why would I want
to put them through terrible things just so I can say, “HA! How does it feel??”
No. No way man.
Sure, it sounds like a good idea in the heat of the moment,
when someone you love has hurt you. It might be real tempting to wish they
could literally be in your shoes and feel what you’re feeling. But when push
comes to shove, you don’t want to hurt those you love. Not really. Let them
think what they want. They’re ignorant, and because you care for them, you
want them to stay that way. I’ll take judgment over putting those I love through
the crap that keeps me up at night.
Yes, there are exceptions to this method….like that glory-filled
feeling you get when your mom finally tries riding a motorcycle and decides it’s
NOT a death-rocket propelling people far into the land of hell. Or when your
friends buy houses and start to understand why you love Menards so much. Or when (and this is the motherlode of all gratifying
moments) someone actually says to you, “Now I understand. I’m sorry about
before.” These situations deserve one heck of a fist-pump. Ha-HA - how do you
like me now, suckas!!?
But those other things? Those experiences that bring you to
the edge of your world and threatened to toss you out of it? The ones that push
you to the ledge and whisper for you to just give up? The moments that are so
terrifyingly hard, so lonely, so painful, that you never fully recover – just change?
Those are the moments people are more likely to judge….and those
judgments are the ones more likely to harm you.
Oh, I get how hard that must’ve been, I lost my grandma a few years ago…..
Oh, well at least in your situation you didn't have to deal with…
Oh, you have no idea what marriage means until you experience…
Oh, it was so much worse for him because…
Oh, well you won't be healthy until you let it go…
It never fails to topple me. The assumptions hit me like a sack of
bricks. Whammo. Jen toast.
My favorite way to recover from those things is to
continually say to myself, like a little mantra:
They don’t understand.
You don’t want them to.
Let them stay ignorant. Remember you are stronger for surviving not only your hardships, but the judgments that follow. These people can't touch you - that's how high into the realm of understanding your experiences have taken you. Don't be angry with those who can't get on your level.....pity them. My mantra doesn't eliminate the pain, but it refocuses my feelings
of betrayal and helps me center myself – the only element of any
interaction I can truly control.
What about you, dear readers? What’s your favorite way of
dealing with judgment? Anyone ever try a 2x4 before? :) Tell me about it in the
comments down below.
