Friday, August 15, 2014

Great Expectations of a New SAHM

So I quit my job today. That's right. As of today, I am no longer an assistant to a very large (ex pro-basketball player) Vice President. As of today, I am a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) with a little freelancing biz on the side. Bye bye, corporate job. Hello, freedom!

I left for work this morning a few minutes late. I'd taken extra time getting ready...picked a non-mumu outfit, actually DID my hair instead of throwing it on the top of my head like a raven's nest, and even applied some makeup. Baller status. By the time I got in the car I was at least 20 minutes behind schedule, but I didn't care. Today was my last day of work. I would never need to make the commute again. Ever.

I sang with the radio the whole way there. I'm sure my fellow 5AM commuters were disgusted with me. My face was lit up like a Christmas tree. It was glorious.

Got to work and took care of a few last-minute items....and then my fellow coworkers started arriving.

This, my dear readers, is when the party began.

Presents.





Snacks.







The glory of all glories.

I ate, I laughed, and I cried. I felt the love so strongly I thought I might burst. It was, to say the least, incredible.

And then I came home. I practically flew out of the car, eager to show my husband all the wonderful food I brought home and hilarious, thoughtful gifts I received. I couldn't wait to grab my baby, lift her up, and say "I'm with you now, my love. Mommy's with you now." I knew my big girl would run up and give me a huge hug, my husband would kiss my nose, it was gonna be like heaven.

I opened the door and was greeted with the same pile of shoes (how long have those been there now?), the same dog freaking out and stepping on my toes, the same little one scrambling to dodge said dog, who scrambled around like a crazy beast and bumped into her seventeen times, making her head smack on the corner of the table. Chairs were randomly everywhere, the countertop covered in clutter, the husband calling to me from over a stove, and my big girl nowhere to be found.

"Where's Anya?" I asked.

"Outside playing with the neighbors."

"But I didn't see her....and the neighbor's garage is shut...." I replied, shuffling my feet and trying not to drop an immense amount of stuff on the dog/cat/kid.

"Huh."

After a freaking lifetime few minutes of screaming her name, Anya pops out of the backyard of some kid we don't know. My heart was still racing as I grounded her for life, explaining she needs to tell us where she is if she wants the freedom to play outside without her parents....and by "explaining to her" I mean I basically just screamed jibberish like the tasmanian devil.....RAHHAWNNNBABAHHAHAB! Earned myself a sad, mopey face from my big girl.

The little one didn't want her dinner. Pasta. It was everywhere...in her hair, all over the table, and because I'd just brought my new stuff in the house and didn't have room to put it on the counter, all over my stuff, too.

"NO, Annabelle!" Sad, mopey face from my little girl.

Ok, no kid love. Whatevs. I start to show the husband my stuff. He says he likes it, tells me it's so awesome and he is so glad I had a good day. Then he got up to clear the table and started talking about how he needs to mow the lawn in the back. Well that was quick, I thought. Great Jen, awesome story! Now about that lawn....

No. No, I tell myself I'm being crazy, he's not dismissing how awesome I feel right now. How about I suggest doing something fun together, move past those negative feelings!

"Let's go for a walk together, want to?" I say.

"Whatever you want," says the man.

"Uggggh I don't feel like it," says the big girl.

"Go for walk go for walk???" repeats the little one. Then she starts crying immediately because we aren't instantaneously, at that very second, on a walk.

I get her down from her high chair and sigh, loudly. Well geeze, I think. I sure am glad I left a killer party at work to come home to all this awesomeness.

My husband picks up on my shift in attitude and asks me what's wrong. I try to explain I'm a little disappointed....meaning I started speaking in tongues.

"I didn't expect a huge cake or a surprise party with strippers and champagne, but I certainly wasn't expecting a missing kid hunt when I first got home, or a spaghetti-hating demon screaming at the top of her lungs, or a husband who was more interested in talking about the lawn than my last day of work!" All while yelling, too. Jen strikes again! Sad, mopey face from husband.

A fight immediately ensued, followed by me storming out, followed by me sitting in my car at a forest preserve with no shoes on, wearing a ratty pair of too-short shorts that say "DANCE!" on the butt....which is where I still am now, typing this very post into an app on my phone. Damn you auto correct. Damn you to swell.

I realize now, as I sit and watch the super tall grass in front of me wave around and whisper, "be cool," over and over again....I set myself up for this.

I had these expectations, you see. I thought because I was having a "special day," life as I knew it would cease to exist. The clouds would part and the perfection of my workday joy would rain down on me at home, too. I didn't tell my husband I wanted to make this a special night. I assumed he would know. I assumed he would make it special if he wanted to. I assumed. I expected. I deemed myself worthy of that kind of mind-reading...that kind of perfection. And I let my family pay the price.

If I had taken two seconds to look around and stop thinking of myself, I might've seen some of the things my family did do to show me love.

The dishes were done. Kids fed. Animals fed. Laundry done. Beds made. Everyone smiled when they saw me, everyone hugged me. Even the missing kid, when she returned of course.

Everyone was safe. Everyone was alive and healthy.

Everyone except me, Jen, the New Stay at Home Mom with Great Expectations.

Who do I think I am? Yes, my coworkers rocked my life and threw me the best party in the world. Yes, I gorged myself on every food imaginable and was showered with gifts and love and hugs and all the good things ever. But when did that generosity change in my head and warp into some greedy, self-indulgent sense of expectation? Couldn't my amazing day be enough? Why did my brain demand more, more, more....from two half-people and a man who couldn't possibly of known what I wanted?

Let's hear it, people....how many of you walk into your home and are greeted with balloons and presents, food, notes of love, and people asking you a million questions about YOU....? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I better get it together if I want to be happy doing the least-acknowledged job on the planet. I mean really, I wanted the party to continue, and because I couldn't see past myself, my party came to a screeching halt.

Sometimes you gotta lose yourself in a forest preserve to snap yourself out of....well......yourself.


So here's to being a new Stay at Home Mom. Here's to my hubby getting a kick ass job. But most importantly, here's to the people who make the mistake of thinking their own desires, beliefs, and expectations are more important than the feelings of others. It's ok. We all do it. Try, try again. The next hour of your life is what YOU make of it. I'm going to go home and apologize to my loves, shower them with kisses, and try, try again.

Welcome to an exciting, but humble, new chapter in the Flaws Forgiven story. Happy to have you guys with me. Thanks for reading.
Jen





14 comments:

  1. How many times have I been high, soaring above, only to have that buzz swatted like a fly on the dinner table? It sucks, it really does. Disappointment sucks. But it is not personal, and it isn’t Always About Me. What a shock. And I refuse to remain sad or bitter, that amplified self pity. So, I try to keep my perspective in check and often I soar solo. Not always. But I take ownership of that buzz, that right now, this moment buzz. That rush from The Most Amazing Workout EVER, heck yeah, that’s Mine. Words of gratitude from those I serve; I tuck into me, fold those words into my heart. Yep, Mine. Forever etched in my mind’s eye – the angelic, priceless, perfect faces of my granddaughters – heart swells enough to burst. I soar, I swell, and I celebrate. Celebrate, my dear, my mindful dear. In your new role, your future endeavor, you will Rock and you will Soar. Thank you for another wonderfully honest blog.

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    1. :) :) :) :) :) You are so right - flying solo and taking pride in yourself is what it's really all about! Needing that affirmation and constant reassurance from others is just asking for trouble....and while sometimes we are so blessed by the support of others, it's SO SO important to have a sense of self-worth, internal happiness, and joy! Thank you so much, Mama - teaching me lessons well into my 30's and I imagine for many more years to come! I LOVE YOU! XOXOXO

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  2. My husband always tells me, "If you don't have expectations then you'll never be disappointed." This is true - but it's certainly no fun!

    Good luck on this new phase of your life, I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be. I can't wait to hear about your new adventures at home, and work. And I hope someday you'll tell me which NBA Players you worked for...I've been trying to figure it out for-EVA!!!!

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    1. HAHAH What a man thing to say. My husband doesn't give a rip about stuff, either. He's happy just chillin, doing nothing. No expectations at all. I am also excited to share some of the new stuff I'll be doing!! I would disclose his name if he wasn't way bigger than me ;) Thanks for stopping by lovely :)

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  3. Powerful, beautiful, honest, amazing. I wish I read this 12 months ago! Thank you for sharing the story of your day. My expectations always tend to get the best of me, instead of taking a step onto the balcony and counting all of the incredible blessings around me. Welcome to the wonderful, messy, love-filled, and crazy life of being a stay-at-home-mom!

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    1. Thank you Farrah!! I am very excited to see how it all stabilizes out....right now I feel way over my head HAHA! So happy you stopped by! Thank you for reading!

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  4. Congratulations on self-employment. At least your co-worker's gave you a nice send-off. Means they must have appreciated you. Your family will too; maybe not until they have kids of their own, but they will. Keep pushing forward and good luck with your freelancing.

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    1. Thank you so much Savvy!! Hoping to get a book published in the next 2-3 years so I can force you to review a free copy.....HAHA!

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  5. It has taken me many years to realize that our families do not always react the way we want/need them to. Its not that they don't care they just aren't mind readers. It would be nice thou if they were. :) Congrats on joining the rest of us SAHM.

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    1. Thank you! Honored to be a part of the team - although I'm not gonna lie, only two days in, I'm wondering how you ladies do this full time!!!

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  6. All that food has made me hungry.

    I'm also a SAHM. Welcome!

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    1. HAHA Just head over to my old office - walking in the door you immediately gain 20 pounds HAHA

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  7. Sounds like a pretty sweet send off from your coworkers! And it seems like expectations can cause us trouble more often than not because life is so rarely what we expect. Still, my expectations are sometimes too high.

    Hey, I answered your question on the blog today!

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    1. Isn't that the truth?? I know the only constant is change.....and that includes pre-determined expectations! Heading over to your blog right now!!

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