And we all know what you need to get eggs......a hen. That's right. No rooster necessary. As a matter of fact, roosters are somewhat irritating to the hen-hoarding chicken keeper because roosters tend to be very overprotective of their flock....including the eggs. Nobody wants to get gouged when collecting eggs. Plus roos like to get their freaky deeky on with your hens and it ain't a gentle, smooth jazz scenario. It can stress a hen out to be around all that testosterone.
So what's a girl to do?
Well, thankfully, there are these incredible and rare chicken experts called chicken sexers. These badasses can take a peek inside a chick's vent (or cloaca) and determine whether or not that chick will grow up to be a hen or a rooster. Of course, most sexers and hatcheries will tell you the sexing methods we use today are only about 80% effective, but still. Pretty awesome to have resources like that. We can essentially pick-and-choose our backyard gals. And pullets (female chicks) are in high demand - we have an assortment of options to choose from.
But....what if you, like me, prefer to homestead like a jerk? What if instead of supplying your hens with a comfortable, stress-free lifestyle, you'd rather have them beaten up by an edgy rooster? We have all these resources available to help us choose hens, but where are the rooster-choosing resources? Where are the "cockerel" bins at the feed store? Well, don't worry. If you prefer mauled hands/arms/children and broody hens over a peace-filled, egg-saturated backyard, I'm your girl. Just call me the rooster-picking guru.
Step 1:
Make sure you absolutely cannot have roosters in your area. True jerks know when to break the law and prefer to do it whenever possible, even if the fees are insane and the neighbors own rifles.
Step 2:
Build a coop that can only hold the precise number of chicks you initially buy. This way, when your rooster knocks up the rest of the flock, those sweet little additions have absolutely nowhere to live.
Step 3:
Ignore everything the chicken books tell you and pick out the chunkiest, most active little chick at the feed store. Make sure it's the biggest chick you can find. Realize a huge chick equates to a healthy appetite and nothing more.
Step 4:
Decide that feminism exists in the chicken world and bypass gender stereotypes when naming your chicks. Name your big, plump, active little chick something creative and semi-masculine.....like, hmmm, I don't know, Gandalf.
Step 5:
Greet your flock every day, all day with, "Hello girls!" and "How are my pretty ladies?" Complement your chick on her big feet and incredibly unique clucking noises.
Step 6:
Decide your chick's chest-led strut is just her way of modeling her pristine, ever-reddening comb and waddles. Tell her how beautiful she is and how she truly is the leader of the flock.
Step 7:
Make your kids fall in love with your chick and coddle her like a wee lil' baby every chance they get. The bonding element is what we're hoping to tap into here....a real, true bonding moment between your kids and the animal.
Step 8:
Refuse to believe any of those "quacks" on the chicken-keeping forums. Your girl is just healthy and a little large, that's all. Doesn't matter if she herds the flock like a crazed shepherd or that she occasionally attacks her own reflection in the water bottle. These are all just signs of her spunky, feminine nature. All homesteading jerks know that.
Step 9: Be proud when you hear that first cuk-COWR! All your jerk work paid off and she's finally learned her war cry!
Congratulations! You should now officially have a rooster. You can thank me later.
Have a great weekend all and as always, thank you so much for reading!
Jen
